Looking Forward, Glancing Back

Today, December 27th, 2017 marks 4 years since I got Lyme Disease. 

This post is about how far I have come since then.

The ability to see how far we have coming in any journey is probably one of the greatest gifts ever given to anyone on the face of the earth. That very ability, to not blind ones self to their own past, is something that some human struggle to grasp. For myself, that ability comes and goes, sometimes I can look back on certain days so clearly, other times all I see is everything in front of me and nothing behind. Sometimes the things I can look back on and see the most clearly are things I really don't want to see at all. However, I am at a point in my life, in my battle against Lyme Disease where I have to be able to look back. I have to be able to see how far I have come.

I told myself last year at this time that I would be in remission. I said #remission2k17 and I believed with every fiber in my being that I would make it to remission this year. I am still on just as many antibiotics as I was last year. I am still seeing a naturopath and my lyme doctor, who still doesn't hesitate to order 15 vials worth of blood work from me. I am not in remission. I started to realize I wasn't going to get into remission by the end of the year and started to get sloppy with things that I had worked so hard on the whole year. I started cheating on my diet, I started giving up on my strict bed time. I started to convince myself that this was as good as I am going to get. I got hooked on caffeine again. I just started all around slacking. The resilience that I had kept so strong through about August of 2017 left faster than a couple of fiber one bars eaten for breakfast.

I saw I wasn't going to be completely healed and assumed this would be my life--feeling alright most days, with only a few crappy days. This is as good as it get... That's what I have started to convince myself. I was a little frustrated with how I was feeling. I wasn't getting better... or was I?

The crazy symptoms I have are gone. I don't struggle with PTSD like I did before. I don't have any self harm thoughts, and I don't have mood swings. I don't fall asleep driving in the car 10 minutes to work. I don't feel like dizzy when I stand up, and I don't forget to wear a bra in the mornings anymore before I leave the house. I don't run on 2 hours of sleep anymore...it's more like 4-5. I don't pass out or have seizures anymore.

These are huge mile stones, but for me those are big things to over come. I notice when those things are gone. I notice that I am not falling asleep anymore at the wheel. I notice that I don't need to take naps. I notice I don't wake up having awful flashbacks. These are all great things I have overcome with so much help of my doctors and my family... But I still have a ways to go. And the other things are harder to notice, because they are little things.

I keep getting sinus infections because of a biotin from Lyme Disease and mold. I have crappy skin, and bad acne because my body is trying to detox it's self from all the Lyme Disease I have killed off. I hit a wall every day at 3 where I don't feel like doing anything. I don't need a nap, I just don't have energy or motivation to do anything at that point in the day.

These are all things that are harder to pin point and treat as symptoms of Lyme Disease, because what if these are just side effects of the antibiotics? What if this is just me? and my biggest fear: What if this is just me now, for the rest of my life? What if the Lyme is taken care of pretty much, and the rest is just what it has left in damages? This might be a little dramatic in thinking, but that is what I wonder sometimes.

I do have one huge milestone that I have reached in the last 4 months of the year, which I didn't realize until towards the end of November. Since September I have not had a since day of depression. I didn't not have a wave of it hit me on a single day. Every one has their hard, and sad days. But I didn't have anything like I used to have. I made it through my whole semester of college without having a bout of depression. That is an amazing feat. That is something I am really excited about, and it took me a while to realize I wasn't feeling depressed. Part of it was I was so busy, and the other part was because I was still looking forward at everything I still had to get better from. I wasn't taking the time to notice the improvements I had already had. I wasn't taking the time to look back at where I was compared to now. I had forgotten for a second, where I once was.

My battered, old Medical ID

Now, don't get me wrong, I never want to go back to there. But I don't ever want to forget how sick I really was. Because I am who I am today because of how sick I really was. And I like who I am now.

In realizing that I did not meet my goal of getting into remission, yet, also realizing how far I made it this year, I am treating myself to a milestone of my own. In July 2016 I had a seizure. I was really embarrassed about it, and it was pretty scary, and so I never wrote about it. It was while I was up at school for a summer semester, but I was wearing a medical ID bracelet and that helped my roommates when the ambulance had to come get me. I will write more about this day some other time, but I have kinda had that medical ID as a life line before, and since that seizure.

I have started to break myself of my consistency of wearing it. And since tomorrow marks the 4 year anniversary of me getting bit by Dick the Tick, I have decided that I will not be wearing my medical ID anymore. I may not be in remission yet, but I am well enough that I don't need to wear it anymore. For me, that feels like a great weight taken off of me, to help me move forward.

-The Lyme Warrior

3 years since being diagnosed....

About a week ago, I was listening to an 80's playlist on Spotify, and Bryan Adams feel good song, "Summer of '69" came on. I was listening to it, and I started thinking about this summer for me. I really feel like this summer, the "Summer of '17", has been my "Summer of '69."

I had a lot of plans at the beginning of summer, I really wanted to do things that made me feel good about my progress with Lyme, but to do that, I needed to feel good with Lyme. So, I decided I was really going to listen to my body, and what it was saying. I had to put my body over anything else this summer, and that meant pushing it.

I was already feeling I was getting better in April when I came home from school, but if you read my previous post (click here to read it), I didn't really know just how good I really was feeling. I didn't know my limits. This summer became a time to test my limits, and push them.

My first real push was to attempt to work out more this summer. I had taken a weight lifting class in school, but I wanted to really implement it, and feel better about my endurance. I wanted to know I could work out, and not have it leave me spending a month in bed. I signed up for Crossfit. The first couple times I went, I almost started crying, but I felt so good after, and even though I was very sore after my first couple workouts, I was still able to keep up with the daily grind of life. This helped my confidence, in what I was able to do for the summer, soar.

My second test began in the middle of May, I went hiking in Southern Utah, in a place called Kanarraville Falls. Two summers prior, I couldn't even make it halfway up the hike, and it was about a week recovery after going because I was in so much pain and so exhausted. This time I went, we had to stop and turn around after 2 hours, because our group had to head back at a certain time, and to my utter surprise, I wanted to keep going. I felt like I could have hiked for 5 more hours! I was at the front of the group, and helping others wade through the deep waters and skinny narrows, I had so much fun. This was my first time realized, and testing the waters (literally and figuratively), in what I could and couldn't do. I went right back to work the Monday after that, with no problems, and feeling great.

My third test, and the one I was dreading the most at the beginning of summer was work. I started off the summer not looking forward to going back to working at the Daycare center. It is fun, the summer is full of actives, but it is very exhausting, and I have worked there almost every summer since I was 16. It makes for a long summer. This summer I was very worried, because we were switching up how we did the program in some major ways. I will admit that I had many doubts about working this summer. However, as time went on, I began to realize that the changes to the summer program at work made it easier on me. It was hard to change, but easy to do. The changes implemented made it so I was able to get closer to the kids, and have more fun. I didn't think I would be able to work out after work, because I would be too worn out from work. Instead, I found myself not wanting to leave work, not because I didn't want to work out, but because I was having too much fun. There were many times I was told to go on my break, and I didn't want to because I was in the middle of a game with the kids.

Now that the summer program has ended, I sit back and look at all the pictures that I took with them, and I think, man I wasted way too much time stressing and worrying about how hard it was going to be to go from a part time tutoring job in the library on campus, to a full time entertainer/caregiver to 25 (give or take a few) kids... Now my concerns have done a 180! How am I going to go back to a more professional job, after all of the fun I have had this summer?

Of course there have been ups and downs this summer, but for the first time since being diagnosed I am happy to report that this summer has been more up's than downs! I would venture to say double the ups than downs. Today, September 3rd, is the 3 year anniversary of my diagnosis. If you would have told me a year ago I would be feeling this good, I would have thought I was being filled with false hope, not because I didn't hope in it for myself, but because it sounded too good to be true. I have had a sort of "bucket list this summer" and I am happy to report that the final thing on my list is going to be crossed off this week, hiking Table Rock in the Grand Tetons in Wyoming (don't worry, I'll post pics of that hike on my instagram).

As I look at this picture (now a traditional picture) of all my boxes I have collected of medicine, I realize just how far I have come because of all these little bottles. I have had a goal of "Remission 2k17" (click here to read) and if I don't get there within the next 3 months I do know that I can keep working to get there, and that I am living a nearly full life now. I am feeling good nearly every day, this summer was an example of how far I was able to push myself, and keep going, and now I can actually feel the results from the summer, and from all of these medicines and I am for the first time actually excited. I am excited to keep going and healing.

-The Lyme Warrior

The Lows and Highs of Recovery

I work with kids at a daycare center in the summers. We go on field trips, and do lots of fun things. A week ago I went to a theme park with lots of roller coasters with the kids. I was in a group of kids who had never been, but wanted to ride the rides that go upside down, cork screw, have height limits, and are really big thriller rides. I was in line with a particular 9 year old girl who told me she was scared to go on the first roller coaster of the day, one called, "Colossus," which went upside down twice. I asked her where she felt scared, she said it was in her stomach, that she had butterflies, but she wanted to go, she was excited. She then asked me why, in her head she was excited, but her stomach was making her feel nervous and scared. I didn't have an answer for this girl, but I had a word to describe what she was feeling, I told her the word for her emotion was anxiety, and that I felt it too. She looked up at me, in line, and asked why I was scared, she knew I had been on this ride before.

I didn't quite know how to explain to her that the last time I had been to that theme park I didn't have Lyme disease, I didn't have depression and crippling anxiety. I didn't know how to help her understand that in going on these big rides, was a big step in my personal healing process. If I was too sick to ride these, my own personal view of my healing and goal towards remission, would be set back farther than I anticipated. I didn't have the words to explain, or to help her understand. I just told her that sometimes my head and gut try to tease me and make me think I'm afraid, even though I'm actually excited for something new. I told her she could give into the part that was scared and get out of line and watch, or she could be brave, and fight it, and see how much fun it really was. I don't think she really got what I was saying, or even remembered the conversation but she did stay in the line, and the next thing both of us knew we were buckled in and on our gradual ascent up to the top of the roller coaster.

She loved the ride, and went on it two more times that day. I went on it one more time. I went half the day on crazy rides, and the second half of the day I just followed the kids around to where they wanted to ride and watched.

In accomplishing this milestone, of surviving (literally) this theme park, with zero setbacks the day after, I have come to see some knew things:

At the beginning of the year I set a goal to be in remission by the end of this year. Whether this happens by the end of 2017 or not, I am getting better. I feel so much better, I am doing things I couldn't do even 6 months ago. Physically, I feel so good, mentally... I am happier, but there are certain levels of anxiety that have come up that even I haven't faced yet, and it's a whole new ball game.

When I first was diagnosed, and began treatment, it was like 100-0 really quick, in knowing what I could and couldn't do. Mentally it was hard to not look back and think, I just want to feel good enough to do easy things, like go to the store, or to church; let alone, work and go to school, those were the highest goals. And in the healing process, I had to learn that I had to say no to certain things because if I stayed up too late, or went on that big hike, or went and did something to exhaust my strength, I couldn't afford the next 2 days of chronic pain or sickness off, in bed.

I became really good at knowing my limits, so good in fact, that now that I am healing, my body isn't telling me I can't do things anymore, but my mind is still stuck in the warning stages. Like the 9 year old in line to ride her first ever roller coaster feeling one half excited but another half scared, I am that way all the time.

I have anxiety over going and doing things, and staying out late now with friends, because a year ago those things would have put me over the edge. I have anxiety before working out all the time because 6 months ago, and when I first started nearly 4 months ago, I was being set back a day or so because of pain. But every time I do these things now, I am so surprised, and grateful. I am doing so many things that I haven't been able to do in years, but doing them is an effort almost more mentally than physically, because my brain is still in ultra healing mode.

I am afraid to get sick again, so much so, that I want to back out of things that I don't think I can physically do, out of fear of being beaten to a pulp again by Lyme, because that has been the ordeal for the past 3+ years. I have to learn how to work past the anxiety. Like I had to learn in the beginning of this disease, how to be sick, and let others help me, and all those really hard things. I now have to learn how to be healthy, and right now it's been proving a challenge, because every big thing I do I have near crippling anxiety telling me "What if this is the wall you are going to hit?" or, "What if this is the final tipping point?"

I can't live my life not doing anything out of fear of Lyme Disease, if I did, the disease could be gone, but I would still be living like I was sick, not doing anything, but without the disease. It would still be winning, even when it wasn't ravaging my body. I can't and won't let it win me that way. It has been hard to deal with, but every time I do something to prove my anxiety wrong I am both surprised and grateful that I am able to experience this high--of recovery.



-The Lyme Warrior

6 things I never thought I'd do since my diagnosis with Lyme

I have had Lyme for 3 and a half years now. I was diagnosed not quite 3 years ago. Since then, I have gone through and experienced so many different things. These are just a few of the things I have done, that I never thought I would have done, since my fight against Lyme.

1- Go gluten free

I used to tease my celiac cousin, relentlessly I might add, for not being able to eat pizza, and sandwiches and pasta. Pretty much all the good things in life. It is so karma for me now, to go gluten free to try and stop the inflammation in my system. I never, would have thought I would have made that diet change.

2- Get used to needles

I used to be the biggest needle-baby ever. I remember being 13 and hiding from my mama when she wanted me to get a flu shot, I would get super sweaty, my hands would get clammy, I was a weenie! However, the tables have completely turned. The first blood work I had done, before Iw as even diagnosed, cost me 27 vials of blood in one sitting.  I almost passed out, and I was definitely crying in the chair. Now, I actually watch the needle go in, I don't even break into a sweat. I get at least 8 vials of blood work done every 2-3 months when I go see my doctor, and last summer I used to do IV Chelations a couple times a week. Needles, amazingly don't bug me anymore.

3- Go to counseling

I never, in my wildest dreams would have thought I would go to a counselor for depression and anxiety. Almost 3 years ago I found myself in desperation for a counselor to help me deal with PTSD, depression, and the mental pain that I couldn't shake. I met with 2 different counselors for 2 years and I have to say, it was very hard for me to realize, I needed more help than the medical treatments.

4- Befriend the pharmacist

I go into the pharmacy, or my mama comes back from picking up a bunch of prescriptions and they are always asking how I'm doing. They know who I am, so when I walk in they already have the bags ready for me. You could say we are on first name basis too.

5- Start this blog

I think my old self would find this blog to be the most embarrassing thing that I do now. When people started telling me to start up this blog, I immediately shut down the idea. I didn't want to be the type of person to post my feelings onto the internet for everyone to see. That was NOT me. However, I needed more of an outlet to try and explain what I was feeling, and speaking the words wasn't working. So, I wrote, and I blogged. Blogging, even though I don't do it as often anymore, has helped me heal in so many ways that medicine, doctors and counselors could have done.

6- See a Naturopath

I used to think the "essential oils" stuff was a pyramid scheme mixed with some voodoo liquid junk to steal your money. Since getting Lyme, I have now realized that I can't beat it doing just prescriptions, or just doing natural herbs... I am currently on 1 prescription antibiotic, and 3 herbal antibiotics, I never thought I'd see the day when I did this sort of stuff. I also have done acupuncture and gone to saunas to detox, as well as done Ionic Foot baths.

All in all, you could say desperate times call for desperate measures, that is probably what I would say to my old self to try and explain why I have done these things that I never thought I would. However, I think there is more to it. I think that it is in the moments of desperation, I had to make changes I never thought I would make. Desperation, sickness, hardship, trying times, all those forces drive change, sometimes for the bad, but for me, I see more good than bad coming from the changes I have made because of Lyme Disease.


-The Lyme Warrior

"Try to be Alive"

I have recently had a turn of symptoms, for better. It has been slow, but since in January when I decided that this year I am going to get into remission, things have improved greatly. They have gotten so great, in fact, that I am now no longer taking antibiotics to treat my Lyme! This is a huge step in the process of getting better, and since I have been off of the antibiotics, I feel great! I used to take about 20 to 30 meds/supplements/vitamins/oils day and night, now I take about 4 in the morning and 8 at night! Things are improving in huge amounts.

For this summer, I am home from school. I attended college at Brigham Young University Idaho. This time for me to be home is for 2 things, 1-to work and 2-to get better. I am home to do Chealtion treatments. This is to help get rid of heavy metals that have built up in my body that Lyme hasn't allowed me to detox. Chelation is a simple poke of a needle and an IV is hooked up to it and a saline solution is pumped into me to clean out my body of heavy metals. In doing this, it is hopeful that my depression and anxiety will improve.

Me getting a Chelation Push last summer (2016)

Also, while I am home, I am going to take the advice of Ernest Hemingway:

I am going to, "Try to be alive." The main thing I like about this quote this the part on sleep. I still have to take sleeping medicine, I tried this week to go without it, and I didn't sleep the whole week, but 45 minutes. It was rough. However, this summer I want to work to the point where I don't need to sleep, really deeply, and the whole night, and wake up feeling completely rested, I don't want to do these with sleeping medicine. 

Lyme has hindered my way of living for a long time now, and I have made it work in ways that I didn't like, but I had to do. Now, I am fighting more than ever this summer to get my life back to the way that I want it. This summer I am going to "Try to be alive."

The Mental Path to Remission

I am working this year on getting into remission, that is my goal, and that is what I want. I have learned over the course of my battle against Lyme that it is as much mental as it is physical. And the mental battle is much more challenging because you can't take ibuprofen when you are feeling frustrated and it takes the frustration pains away. It just doesn't work that way. So I have come up with some ways that I am working on to help me heal mentally from Lyme.

2 years ago I wouldn't have been able to hike this waterfall, it is a simple hike normally,
 but my cousin and I were able to do it a couple weeks ago and to me, that is a mental win!

1- Learn from the losses

Some days you win some, and other days you lose, but it was Malcom X who said "Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains it's own seed, it's own lesson, on how to improve your performance the next time." And that is what I am talking about. 

I feel like most people would say that they have more losses in a week than gains, but that is just me. I could be wrong. However, I believe, and have had to change my mindset on losses. I used to think a loss, whether it was a card game, a basketball game, or you did really bad on a test, just meant either A) you suck, or B) someone or something was just better than you, or it was too hard and so you therefore lost. I used to think this way, but now I realize I am wrong. 

I now see losses as Malcom X saw them: as an opportunity to learn. I take a day that I am in more pain than usual, more depressed and down on myself, and I look back at it: I can see things like adjustments I need to make so I don't feel that way again, like eating, or exercising. I can see maybe how I got out of it and maybe make a mental note to try it for next time. Any time I feel like I have lost a day to Lyme Disease I have to realize I just have to change my mind set and ask, "what did I learn in this loss?" I tend to find I actually gained more than I really did lose.

This is hard to do sometimes, because sometimes we just have down right blow out losses. These days make me feel almost hopeless, and above all frustrated. However, I try in anyway possible to find the improvements and changes I can make along the way.

2- Take pride in the wins

I have talked about the losses, and while I have had many of these over the past 3 and a half years now, I have to recognize the wins. Sometimes it's not a whole day that is a win, rarely ever is a whole day a win with a chronic illness, but I take my wins by moments, not so much by days. 

The first way I can take pride in a win is by celebrating my successes. If I successfully made it a whole day without getting too down on myself about school, than I allow myself to feel good about that. It is a way of mentally rewarding myself, I'll watch a funny Olan Rogers video on youtube, I'll read something that doesn't have to do with my Nutrition 150 text book. There are little things I can do to celebrate my victories. For example, last week I was more upset than usual because I wasn't able to eat with a big group of people because of my diet restrictions. I didn't end up splurging and just giving into the delicious smell of cornbread and chili. So when I got home I made myself my own really good food. 

The second way I take pride in my win throughout the day is by making sure I take note of my victories. I can't always reward myself by making myself good food that I actually can eat, however, I can make sure I recognize when something good happened. I am still working on this part. An example might be if I wake up one morning and the day is great, than something happens later in the evening and I'm down or in lots of pain, instead of marking off that day as a loss because I forgot all the good stuff I was feeling earlier, I can take note of how well I felt earlier in the day, and then I don't necessarily have to see the whole day as a loss, but I can give myself credit that most of the day was alright.

3- Let the good in

I have noticed that if I do #1--learn from the losses, I can then see more wins as well, and by being able to see these I find I can let more good into my life. This helps boost my mentality into beating this disease mentally. I feel like by allowing myself to have good times I am also allowing myself to heal as well. And why shouldn't I be allowed to have goodness and happiness in my life? Why can't I fight Lyme and not be happy? As with anything else in my life that is hard. Why can't I be a hard working, exhausted, busy college student and yet, happy? I feel like sometimes all we need to do is allow ourselves to be happy, and have goodness in our lives.

These are simple steps I have undertaken to try and be more mentally sound while trying to beat Lyme this year. I am not perfect at them, but I feel like they are meaningful and helpful to me.

-The Lyme Warrior

On the edge

I can feel it... It is like living on the edge, and for me, I feel even more on the edge...edgy...edged? I don't know how to explain it other than I feel like I'm 12 and my parents have woken me up and told me we are going to Harry Potter world. They have loaded up the car and a half hour into the drive they yell: "Just Kidding!" And turned around laughing the whole drive home.

I feel this way because I have set a resolution to be in remission by the end of this year. I have lots of mini-goals to help me get to that point at the end of the year. I want this so bad. I have felt since about October that there has been a turning point in fighting Lyme, in which I am coiming out on top most of the time now. This is a big change from just 6 or 7 months ago. I have modern and natual medicines both working on my side, I have more energy to work out and be fit again. I have a better focus on keeping my diet healthy and strict, and because of that, I have thrown out the window all my cheat days. I used to justify cheat days a couple times a month. I would be found saying "Diet starts Monday again..." on a Thursday! I have come to the realization that I am not going to beat this if I don't stick to everything I have learned over the past 3+ years.

However, I feel on edge for the reason of wanting this disease to be gone, and still dealing with set backs. Where the set backs are minor colmpared to a year ago, I find myself getting more frustrated, because I can feel myself so close to remission, but then I have a Lyme flare up and I feel dissappointment set in.

For example, this weekend I woke up not feeling well. I was struggling to focus, my brain fog was bad, and I had a lot of chronic pain in my body again. It persisted through Sunday, so I walked home from church early at the urge of my awesome roommate who was concerned for me. When got to my apartment I realized I had forgotten my key (thanks brain fog). However, my friend who lives 2 doors down always has her apartment open. So I texted her and asked if I could take a nap on her bed. I woke up about an hour and a half later with no recollection of where I was or how I had gotten in the bed I was in. I didn't remember walking home, being locked out and ending up in a random bed, I was disoriented and delirious, confused and scared. I still don't remember that, and what is even more concerning is I used to have episodes like this, but not for about two years!

I have been frustrated, concerned and stressed about it for the past two days. I keep telling myself I should be getting better, and I keep asking myself, why is this happening again? There is no answer to the question, expect for BECAUSE I HAVE LYME DISEASE. I need to remember that Lyme is so fickle, and remember that flare ups are good. I have been mega-herxing again (click here to read about herxhimer reactions), which I have to remind myself it is good. It means I am getting better. However, at the same time, I feel crappy. The pain, headache, and extreme fatigue is wearing on me.

I have to remember to keep an open mindset about it. I need to allow myself to be ok with feeling sick, because it means I'm getting better. Where I want more than anything to get into remission I have to remember that it is still going to be a process. It isn't a gradual strait line, it is a roller coast of healing, and where the roller coaster is traveling up, there are still ups and downs in that roller coaster. This is my challenge for the new year: be ok with my progress towards remission!

So for this, I am on the edge. I am almost to remission, or symptom free, but it's not there. It's just at a distance. It might sound silly but I can almost taste remission, and for that, I am edgy about being on edge.

I couldn't quit, because I won't quit

I just finished my first semester of taking full 14 credit classes since I have been diagnosed. I wasn't 100% sure I would be able to do it, plus work, but I did, and I passed! It took a couple days of sleeping off finals and letting it all sink in to actually feel proud of myself. And I am.

This semester I learned many things socially, educationally, spiritually, mentally and physically. Most of them about myself. This is one thing about my chronic illness--I learn so much about myself. The 2 biggest things I am still working on, but that I learned from this semester especially is, 1- being ok with myself, and where I am at. And 2- realizing I am stronger than I really think, and the reason behind why I am so strong.

It is hard to have a chronic illness and not compare yourself to others. I am guilty of that. It's always been said you should only compare yourself with you... the only problem with telling someone with a chronic illness they should only compare themselves to themselves is it entails them to remember who they used to be, what they used to be able to do, and makes them hate their situation even more.

For example, I love learning about things I am passionate about. That's why I love college, I learn about so many things I want to learn about. The hard thing is the effort it takes for me to learn something now, where as before Lyme Disease, is frustrating. Where I could have sat in a lecture and left understanding everything before, I now record a few of my classes and listen to the lectures over again sometimes multiple times, to make sure I understand and know the material. 80 percent of the time it's not music I'm listening to when I'm walking around with my headphones in. Studying for finals takes me twice as long as others. Then you hear the kids in your class obsessing over those .5 percentages they have between an A and an A-. I couldn't help but feel really crummy about my C when I hear someone telling me they could skip the final and pass with an 91 percent, but I know they will come everyday and still do the extra credit to finish the class with 101 percent. How can I not compare myself to that? It's not saying "I'm worse than them because my grades are worse." It's more like "Why am I putting in so much more effort and yet I'm 2% from a D?" At that point it is easy to throw in the towel, and give up. Right? When it takes so much more work, why try? 

I learned "why" this semester. When a very smart friend told me something nobody has ever told me before. It was one of those rough days when Lyme was winning everything. The depression was bad, and I was ready to ditch school and go home sick. I was ready to give up on everything. I. Was. Done. And I told her that, I told her I was tired of being strong. I didn't want to fight anymore. I wasn't the "Lyme Warrior" my blog said I was. On and on and on I went. 

Until she finally said, "ya know what Sadie, do it. Just give up! Go ahead." 

I was stunned. Nobody had  ever said that to me. I don't tell people when I feel like I'm losing with Lyme just to have them tell me I'm "strong" and "I can do it." That's not me, but she did the opposite of what I expected. Have you ever felt words hit you with so much force that you physically shrink backwards? Those words hit me with so hard it was like a punch in the gut, I felt myself sway back. Finally I answered through tears: "I can't."

"That's right, you can't because you won't. Because you are not a quitter!" She answered with even more force, and I knew she was right.

It took a huge break down to realize that I can't quit, I won't quit, and the reason is because I am strong. To realize how strong I really was I had to have someone give me the permission to give up. I realized just because I was tired of fighting didn't mean I was going to give up. 

I can't give up because I won't. I just won't. I won't let myself. I realized that I am tired, all the time I am tired. But I am not tired of being strong. I am still so grateful that someone saw it in me enough to boldly point it out. If I wouldn't have been granted permission to give up, I wouldn't have realized it in myself, and since then it has been freeing. 

The rest of the semester after I realized I can't give up because I won't, I still struggled, I still felt the sting when a guy was mad over his 3.1 percent deduction on a paper that gave him a B instead of an A. I still got down on myself when everyone was sharing their scores on a paper and knowing I could have done better than I did, if I didn't have this chronic illness bringing me (and my grades) down. I still slightly compare. 

It' s either a comparison between sick-me to them, or sick-me to non-sick-me, but I don't let it get me down. It's like ripping off a band aid too fast, I allow it to hurt and sting for a second, and then I attempt to move on and deal with me the best I can. Because I know I won't give up. So why linger on things that will just frustrate me to want to give up?

Learning to be ok with myself, my sick-self and learning just how strong I really am by realizing I can't quit because I won't has been two very important things for me in my confidence. I hope I can continue to be strong enough to overcome my comparisons I make towards myself and towards others. I have already realized I can't not, I just can't, but I do know that I can choose to be strong enough to not let them get to me anymore.

-The Lyme Warrior

Documentary on Lyme Disease

This semester I have been working with a group of people in a Video Productions class. They were in charge of making a short documentary, and they chose to do it on Lyme Disease, and they interviewed me for the documentary. And they did an amazing job! So click the link below to check it out.

The Lyme Warrior

Diet and Exercise: The Great Conundrum

Food glorious food!

"I can't eat that..."
"Why?"
"Because I have Lyme Disease..."

This is an excuse I feel like I use on the daily. It's part of life with Lyme. I have found, and others I have talked to with Lyme as well, that if you are not willing to change your diet, you will struggle to beat this disease. For the past two years I have changed my diet to work against Lyme, and it is a struggle. I had to work super hard at first, but now I feel like following a strict diet is one way I can have total control over my disease.

Food has always been a love of my life. In fact, it has been the love of my life. I wrote my mission president before my service for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I told him I was in a relationship with food. I love food. Fast forward, however, and a year or so later I'm home early from my mission, with Lyme. For 6 months I relied only on prescriptions to help me. I had heard the suggestion to quit gluten and sugar within the first 2-3 months of my diagnosis. It wasn't until after the holidays and the opening of 2015 year that I decided to quit gluten and sugar.

I knew there was no way in heaven I could quit both at the same time, so I chose to quit the one I knew I could live without: sugar.

The sweets and candy's wasn't actually that hard, the hard thing was giving up my addiction to Diet Mountain Dew. I started drinking it on my mission to stay awake and survive the chronic fatigue that was controlling my life. I kept up the addiction after the mission and into my treatments because I was still very tired, I would fall asleep while driving 10 minutes to work. However, the inflammatories that are in gluten and sugar are what Lyme thrives on. So caffeine and sugar had to go. It took about 2 months, the first 2 weeks I was brutally cranky and tired, but after that I started to find I had more energy, I was still chronically exhausted, but I had more energy in that exhaustion. I had conquered the sugar cravings, and gluten was next.

Gluten is my favorite food, which I didn't realize until I had to give it up. It took about 6 months for me to quit. I feel like I sound like a smoker, or an alcoholic, but I seriously could have gone to a Gluten Anonymous meeting: "Hey I'm Sadie, and I'm addicted to gluten." I loved, and still love bread,  pastas, cereals, and basically anything with gluten.

So to give up this love of my life I would say it took about 6 months before I was finally completely off gluten. I would make it 4 or 5 days going strong and then the cravings would hit by the weekend and I would be craving pasta and pizza with a giant loaf of bread to go on the side. What did help was my mama quit gluten for her own personal health issues too, and that made things easier on both of us. Mostly because I think I had someone to complain to about how bad I missed eating my favorite cereals in the morning.

Once gluten was given up I stayed strong and off of both of those things, the doctors suggested to go off of dairy too, especially at the beginning of 2016 when my gal-bladder took a hit from all of the antibiotics I had been taking for the past year and a half. It actually wasn't htat hard to quit diary, I never drink milk, I think of it as cereal sauce, and I hadn't been eating cereal for about 9 months a the point of me quitting diary. I drink almond milk, and cook and use that instead. Sometimes I will really crave cheese, and that is hard, but dairy was the easiest of all the groups to give up.

Recently however, after almost 2 years of being off sugar, I have been put on the paleo diet. It is a diet of meats, veggies, nuts and berries. It limits almost all sugars and all grains. I used to eat rice and quinoa every day after I quit gluten. Now I can't eat any of those things. It was hard at first, but no where as near as hard as gluten.

After suffering through the paleo diet this summer, I was then put on the diet from hell. For about a month I could only eat 11 things: Greet yogurt, almonds, pecans, eggs, fish, organic grass fed beef, avocados, spinach, kale, berries, and broccoli. I was MISERABLE! I was hungry ALL THE TIME! I wasn't a big fan of the paleo diet, but being on the new diet, I just wanted to be back on paleo, I missed all my veggies and chicken! So I sucked it up, and did the diet. I was very cranky the first 2 weeks of the diet, trying to figure out how to stay full, eating at least every 2 hours. Now, after that diet, I feel like I can do paleo, and that is what I am back on again.

 The harder thing is trying to eat with friends. It is hard to go on dates and explain what I can or can't eat. Because I don't go out to eat, but that is a big thing to do on dates. I don't do that. So when I end up going on dates instead of saying "Yeah I can eat that piece of meat, wrapped in lettuce, oh and is the beef grass fed, or organic, because I can't have it if not." That is just tedious to have to deal with on a first date. So limiting my food makes my life a lot harder than it needs to be on dates.

Sometimes I cheat, and I regret it the next day. I notice a difference when I eat sugar, and I notice an even bigger difference when I eat gluten. I get brain fog and just can't think, or move. I'm slower mentally, and physically. And where ice cream or a bowl of noodles might be celestial to my tastebuds, the next day they are not!

Now those are the hard things about limiting my diet. I haven't gotten to the best parts! I feel better, I feel healthier. I feel like I can tangibly control something about my health that doesn't involve taking a substance that comes from a doctor or a health store. And I think that is the best part--being able to control something about my situation.

Exercise: Cheaper than therapy

I have talked about limiting your diet if you have Lyme, but there is more than just healthy eating that I can control and do to kick this disease into remission. Exercise. Working out. This is something that is almost like voodoo to someone with a chronic illness. Especially when they deal with chronic pain. The problem with Lyme is the Herxhimer Reactions (to read about those click here).

If you don't want to read all about it in a different post I guess I can recap it: So when you over work your body and it heats up you naturally kill off lots of bacteria. When you kill off too much of the bacteria too fast it is hard for your body to detoxify all the dead bacteria carcasses floating around in your body. So you get itches, aches, pains, and extreme fatigue.

I love playing, I love to swim, and I love sports, and hiking and working out. The most important thing with I have found is to know your limits. I know mine, but unfortunately I will push them past their limits. It is not always the best, in the moment the adrenaline might be fine, but I usually regret it after I finish whatever it was that I was doing.


It is a great conundrum to me because, for example, if I'm in a basketball game because I know how I should be able to play. I know how good I am, but with my body being infected with Lyme, I can't go as hard as I would like too. So I work harder, trying to play through the pain, and the cramping, stiff muscles and I get more frustrated and down on myself, I miss more shots because I get in my own head. Then after the game, even the next day, I feel the aftermath. As soon as I sit up in the morning my body just aches. I usually describe it as feeling like I got hit by a bus.

As good as exercise is for those who want to beat this disease, you have to exercise, even if it is just a walk. I remember when just getting up and showering was as if I had ran a marathon. You have to exercise.

All in all, it is hard to discipline yourself. If you struggle with Lyme and desperately want to feel in control of something in your life besides going to the pharmacy every other day, I would recommend changing your diet, educating yourself on a healthy life style, and pushing yourself to work out, but not to over do it.


-The Lyme Warrior.

Feature News Story:

I have always struggled with trying to explain and talk about Lyme. I have written it multiple times. I have too much I want to say, and too much that I don't need to say. So when I was paired up in one of my college classes and was told that we were to write a news feature story on each other, I wasn't worried about what I would write. I was worried for the poor soul that would have to write about me.

In the interview with Hayden Hunter, the guy I was paired up with, I was determined to not talk about my disease. I was determined that he would not find out I was sick, and he could write about something different. Of all the things I learned about Hayden in that interview, the biggest thing I learned is that in talking about myself, it is impossible to avoid talking about Lyme. "I am not Lyme, and Lyme is not me, but I am who I am today because of Lyme." It is true. And I couldn't avoid it.

After interviewing Hayden for 45 mins, and asking him questions he started asking me questions, I don't know how he got into it, but he did. And I found myself, for the next, about hour and 45 mins talking about Lyme. I felt bad, and I was worried, I have learned in the past to not open up too much about Lyme at first. It is a lot to take in, especially when you are interviewing the cutest guy in your class. So Hayden got the whole enchilada. And I left frustrated and embarrassed. I had thrown up way too much information, I worried and fretted about it so much, that I almost forgot I still had to write his story from my interview on him....

Then I read his story. I almost started tearing up as I read it. He had summarized my story in less than 800 words (as requited for the assignment). He had done something that I had never been able to do.

I am now considering making this into a brochure for future reference when people ask me about Lyme. I am only half joking, but with Hayden's permission I am at least posting it here for now. Because it is the perfect summary, written in news article form, about my dealings with Lyme.

REXBURG, Idaho – Each year 300,000 lives are affected by the fastest-spreading, vector-borne chronic illness, Lyme Disease. In 2014 Sadie Williams found herself counted as one of those 300,000. For most, living with this incurable disease would have them depressed and hopeless. Sadie however has been an inspiration to many as she says “I am not Lyme Disease, Lyme disease is not me, but I am who I am today because of Lyme disease.”
 

Sadie decided to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2013 and received a call to serve in the South Carolina, Columbia mission. Six months after arriving in South Carolina she was bitten by a tick. She began to get very sick and would have mood swings. After a year of service Sadie was sent home to Mapleton, Utah to try figure out what was wrong. Lyme disease can mimic up to 300 different diseases and is easily misdiagnosed. One doctor diagnosed her with “bipolar disorder” but Sadie knew that was not the case. She said “I know who I am… I am not bipolar.” The Williams family had been struggling with Sadie’s different behavior since her return home. They knew their daughter as a sweet girl, but Sadie explained how she became different and rude when she got home.
 

Sadie said “It takes up to two years to diagnose Lyme, for me it took nine months, I was blessed.” After some time visiting various doctors, on September 4, 2014 Sadie was diagnosed with Lyme Disease.  After the Williams family found out, Sadie’s mom April said “I felt relief.” Sadie and her family were glad to discover what Sadie had been struggling with for the past nine months, but they were then thrown into a bigger world of doctor appointments, endless medicine, and self internet research in order to treat the disease. A year after Sadie was diagnosed with Lyme she had four shoe boxes full of empty prescription and supplement bottles, and a year after that she had doubled her medicine shoe boxes to eight. Sadie would take up to 50 different pills a day. She is currently doing a cleanse from all pills and is doing her best to eat healthy and exercise. While most people feel good after working out and have a “runner’s high,” Sadie says she just hurts after she works out. But the pain of working out is better than the pain she feels if she just sits. She explained that, “you’re not going to get rid of the pain--it will always be there.” Sadie related Lyme Disease to a toddler by saying, “Lyme is just like a crying three year old, you have to give it the attention it needs.”

 Pain is just part of Sadie’s life now and when she accepted that things began to change for her. She decided to do something about her situation as she didn’t want Lyme disease to define her. She chose to create an awareness of the disease she and thousands of others share. Sadie Williams is the self-proclaimed “Lyme Warrior” and has created a blog talking about Lyme disease and how to deal with it. Sadie has written an article for the Deseret News about the struggles early returned missionaries face and how to overcome them. She is focusing on others and says her life is fulfilled by blogging. Sadie is serving in way she never thought she would, and proclaimed that, “you don’t need a black name tag or a skirt to help others.” She says it is weird when people thank her for her articles or her blog, but she is grateful for the opportunity to help others.
 

Both Sadie and her Mom would advise people diagnosed with Lyme Disease to not try to do it all on their own, but to find help. Sadie said there is not a lot you can do to comfort someone who has Lyme Disease, but she says to just listen. Sadie’s mom said, “I would sit down and cry with them.” Sadie wants to be one of those helpful resources, as she says, “God let me help people in His way.”
 

Sadie has a strong desire to keep Lyme to herself, but knows that she can help others by sharing her experience. Two years after being diagnosed and fighting Lyme Disease she was able to express her sentiments. “I would not wish this upon anyone,” but, she added, “I would not change it.”
 

For more information or to read Sadie’s blog, visit www.blamethetick.blogspot.com.

-The Lyme Warrior