Lyme Update

I haven't blogged in a little while and there are a couple reasons as to why. I'll explain more in a little bit but this is just an update on how the medication seems to be helping and what has improved and what is still a problem that the disease is causing.

Improvements of symptoms

Lets start with my improvements that I have seen. So last month my Doctor took away all of my antibiotics that I have been taking and I started on 4 new antibiotics. It is a good thing that I have started these new ones because it means that my old antibiotics have run their course, and have killed off the bacteria that they can, but the bacteria has built up a shield known as bio film against the antibiotics so I'm on new ones to fight from a different angle.

My brain is slowly starting to come back. I read 2 books last week! I was so happy! I comprehended them and I understood everything in both books. I don't forget as much if I'm going a certain place, the only thing that I am struggling with now is forgetting certain words, and I still struggle with trying to figure out what I am trying to say when I am explaining something. Words at the moment are not coming all that easy for me at the moment (this is one reason why I haven't blogged a while), but I am slowly but surely gaining my mind back. There is defiantly much less brain fog. Now whether this means that I am actually getting better or if my Alzheimer medicine is just finally kicking in, I don't know. But either way I am thrilled with the results.

I am noticing that I am feeling more rested when I wake up in the morning, this is such a relief because this was one of my first biggest symptoms that I have been dealing with for over a year now. And even though I still struggle immensely with waking up in the morning (thank you daylight savings), I can tell that I have been sleeping better at night.

I don't herx as much as I used to. I'm not sure that is a good thing since herxing means you are getting better. But herxing is pretty miserable, so I'll count it as an improvement.

New Symptoms

I've started having some new and pretty weird symptoms pop up for the past month or so and I didn't even think anything of them until a week ago. The biggest one that has me worried is my arms and legs seem to fall asleep if I don't move them often. I wake up a couple times in the middle of the night with a multiple limbs tingling and every morning I get that pins and needles feeling with out fail. Then just today I was playing the piano for about 15 minutes and my left leg totally went numb, I stood up to walk away from the bench and almost fell over. It is a little concerning. I'm going to ask the Doctor what it means this week.


Another symptom that I have started to have is really greasy and oily hair. I have to wash my hair every day and even then by the end of the day my hair feels gross and greasy. This has bugged me because I used to go every other day and I rarely ever had oily hair. But now it is getting to be a pain. I have done some research and other people with oily hair and Lyme Disease were told that it just means that the Lyme spirochete is in their thyroid. Now I will of course ask my Doctor if it's true or not but from other Lyme Warriors that I have talked to and read on their blogs, they seem to have the same thing.

ME

Another symptom is I sweat so bad now. I laugh because I never really got tacos (the sweat patches on your shirt from your armpits), until I went on my mission to South Carolina in the middle of July with all that humidity I was pretty horrified at first with all the stain marks that were appearing on my shirts. But I just assumed they would go away now that I am back in dry Utah. But I am still sweating so bad. I also sweat on my feet and my hands. They are always so clammy and I really don't like it. It makes me feel gross. But this I know is another part of Lyme. It's just a yucky one.

Worsening Symptoms

The only symptom that has really gotten worse is the anxiety. I get little tiny anxiety and panic attacks over every thing now! I worry a lot, sometimes I think I get stomach aches from worrying so much. And I am not usually one to worry. But I am to the point where I won't go certain places or do certain things because I have too much anxiety. It is becoming very debilitating and frustrating to deal with at the moment. But I know that I can make it through.

Another symptom that has sort of improved but also worsened is my motivation/depression. I have talked in past posts about how part of depression is having low motivation to do certain everyday things that shouldn't be difficult. And low motivation is part of the reason I haven't blogged for a while as well. I don't have the motivation to sit down and type up how I'm feeling. I read those 2 books in one week. But I didn't want to stop reading because I was afraid that I would not have the motivation to pick the book back up. It took me 2 days to finish the last 15 pages of my last book, because I just couldn't find the motivation to pick it up. Now I have noticed that in the morning and afternoon at work my motivation is much higher, I am getting so much more done at work then I have since I have been home from my mission. The only problem is work is exhausting my motivation. I get home and I want to do absolutely nothing. I have to talk myself into driving home from work because I don't even want to do that I am so exhausted.


-The Lyme Warrior

The calm after an awesome storm

Since November I have been an assistant coach for the girls basketball team at my old high school. I have loved it. It has been so much fun and I've learned a lot more about the the greatest game ever invented by coaching. It's a whole different angle than playing! But it has been quite a storm too.

When I started coaching back in November I never thought once about how Lyme Disease would effect coaching. But it impacted a lot of how I coached. 

I'm competitive. I like to win. I used to thrive off of intense games. But our first away game the Sophomore and JV games were both super close and after the first one I had to go outside and breathe. I was having the heart racing, gut wrenching, hyperventilating panic attack. I walked out to the schools football field shaking and crying over a game that we won by just a few points. I couldn't calm down, and I was late for the JV game trying to get a grip.

The term "too close for comfort" brought new meaning to me. My comfort was not an option while coaching. As soon as the ball was tipped up into the air I felt like I could hardly breath until we were at least 15-20 points ahead, which hardly ever happened. We had a tough preseason, and an even tougher region ahead.

I started to wonder if I could handle coaching. Not because the practices were rigorous or the girls were too hard to coach, the girls were great! But I couldn't handle a close game. I knew I couldn't expect us to blow out teams by 30 points each game. That isn't basketball at all. So I just decided that I had to hold all that anxiety in. I was calm and quiet outside, but inside, most games (especially the close intense ones), I was a terror! After games I was exhausted. During pre season we had a lot of ups and downs and I chewed my fingernails like they were bubble gum. They bled and hurt really bad because I was just paranoid and freaking out so bad. 

Part of the problem was my thought process. At the beginning I wanted to grab my old uniform and jump out on the court and help the girls get the win. It was sorta a rude wake up call for me when I realized that 1) I don't have a prayer of playing a game with the girls! I probably couldn't even find the energy to play a half court pick up game. And 2) number 32 belongs to a different girl now. I had to change my thought process to realize those two things and it took me pretty much all preseason to get over it.

Then region started and boy howdy was our region tough! But I did feel like I was getting a handle on the anxiety. I wasn't as exhausted after games. I wasn't completely wasted the next day from so much emotional exhaustion. I was pretty proud of myself for holding up. I couldn't get too riled up though. And I always seemed to shut down when things got exciting. When my dad (the other assistant coach) started to yell at the refs it was my job to make sure he didn't get a Technical Foul. But when things got crazy like that I had to shut down and just focus on breathing. Those were some of my least favorite and most exhausting games. But I controlled myself in most games.

Then we went to state. I was so proud of the girls! I went to state my Jr. And Senior year and I was so happy for them. We got on the bus to drive to Salt Lake and as soon as we pulled into the parking lot of SLCC I felt so sick. I was breathing fast again. I had to go to the bathroom and tell myself to breath and calm down. I was angry at myself. How could I be this anxious? I wasn't even this nervous when I was playing! I was frustrated and new I needed to control myself before going into the locker room with the other coaches. I couldn't say anything in the locker room. It was taking every ounce of me to just breath and not cry. 

After our win (in OT, which practically did me in) I was so emotionally exhausted. That night I went to Texas Roadhouse with my family and broke down crying when I looked at the menu because I was so overwhelmed by the choices and the game that had just happened that I came unglued. I didn't know how I was going to be able to handle another game at state.

Two to back to back games later and we lose in the Semifinals. I was proud of the girls for making it that far. But so emotionally spent. After the locker room I went and sat by my mom and just wanted to pass out. I was done. And I was bumbed, I loved coaching, I wanted them to go to the finals. But I also couldn't help feeling a little bit relieved that it was over, and I feel ashamed that I felt that way. I feel really bad about that, because I know it's not me, but it's these limitations that I have that come with this disease. 

Anxiety is crippling. It's not just first day of school butterflies or when you go on a date with a guy you really like. It is mentally, emotionally and physically enabling. The pressure I had on me from coaching is gone but I loved it. I want to keep doing it because u know as I continue to get better I won't be as anxious over close games, or noisy fans. It was a killer storm to ride these last couple months, but totally worth it.

-The Lyme Warrior

Faith to not be healed

I wrote this post a little while ago after reading Elder Bednar's talk again. It's just a different perspective on how being sent home and my diagnosis went.

“Do you have the faith to not be healed?”

Elder David A. Bednar posed this question to a man that had an aggressive cancer, before giving him a priesthood blessing. I remember when I heard Elder Bednar tell this story in his CES Devotional “That we might not shrink.” I was a freshman at BYUIdaho, and had just received my mission call to the South Carolina, Columbia Mission. I felt the spirit in that talk very strong and it left an imprint on me that I couldn’t forget. And now almost 2 years since his talk was given, I still find myself going back to this talk often…

January 2014 I was 6 months into my mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was working hard. I was being obedient. And I was loving the people. 3 things that my mission president said were 3 keys to a successful mission. But mid January in my second area I started to feel really down on myself. I thought it was because of lack of success in baptisms and told myself to suck it up. But it soon became apparent that the harder I tried the more down I got. My companion confronted me about it in a loving way and I shut her down. I told her I just needed to work harder. "Forget myself and go to work!" That's what President Hinckley did. That's what I was going to do.

“Why me?”

At first I asked Heavenly Father, "Why me?" I thought maybe he's trying to humble me? Maybe I'm doing something wrong? I started having self-doubts, and started getting really down on myself. I started to drag deeper and deeper into what I can only describe as a deep pit. And the harder I tried to climb out, the deeper I fell. And the deeper down I got, the farther away I felt from the spirit, which I knew I needed to teach. My prayers were earnest pleadings asking my Heavenly Father to help me get over myself. To help me stay focused.

Finally my dear companion, out of love and worry, insisted that I call the mission president. His wife answered and the first thing she said after I described my problem to her was "Well Sister, it sounds like you are depressed." I broke down sobbing on the phone. A part of me knew she was right, but for me, admitting it felt like I was giving into it too. I didn’t understand depression, I had no history, and my family had no history of depression. How could it suddenly just pop up while I was in the middle of something so glorious? Why would Heavenly Father allow that? I must be doing something wrong, I would often think to myself.

I was told to go to the doctor and get put on an antidepressant. Meanwhile I would chat on the phone with an LDS counselor every other week. I loathed taking that antidepressant. It was making me gain even more weight than the southern fried food. And I didn't like how it worked for a couple weeks and then it stopped and I got worse and had to get put on a higher dose.
Eventually it was time for a companion change and I was so sure I was going to get better after getting my new companion. She understood depression better than I did, and I was the one that had it, she didn’t! I could tell that we were going to work so hard and get things done and I was going to finally get over what I thought was just a “phase."

The “natural man” takes over and I “shrink”

But things kept getting worse. I started having restless sleep, nightmares, and mood swings like none other. One minute I'd be laughing hysterically for no reason, and 5 minutes later I'm crying. I became so frustrated I stopped taking the medicine; it wasn't working so why take it? Plus, I was embarrassed about taking it...so I stopped. After a couple of really hard days my companion asked if I needed to change medicine again and I told her I had stopped. It became a nightly chore for her to get me to take my medicine. It usually involved me yelling and crying. And her begging me, sometimes until midnight, until I would give in and take it.

My prayers at night became longer; I would go into our little kitchen and beg, sometimes for 45 minutes, pleading with Heavenly Father to just help me be happy. “I just want to be happy.” I would repeat as I sobbed on the floor, imploring for a miracle of healing, which I felt I deserved. When saying my prayers I would sometimes feel a little rejected. I knew I was supposed to be on a mission, I recalled the words that my stake president had promised me in my setting apart blessing: “You will have no sickness or illness mar your service…” I felt like Heavenly Father had gone back on his promise, because I was suffering from depression and it was effecting my work, how I taught, how I felt the spirit. I was deeply frustrated.

June 2014 just under a year of service, I was sent home for depression.

I can’t describe the shame I felt and the hurt and confusion that followed, I didn’t want to give a homecoming talk, didn’t want to see family, I wanted more than anything to be back on a mission. I prayed for a quick recovery, so I could get back out, but when I found out that I had to be depression free for 6 months before I could get back out. I knew then that I wasn’t supposed to be going back.

His Will not mine

One night, after being home about a month, while I was looking at old study journals I found my notes from Elder Bednar’s talk, and I went to my computer and read the talk. I was deeply touched, and humbled in some ways at these specific words:

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” (quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle [1972], 98).

After reading this part I got down on my knees and talked with my Heavenly Father. I didn’t ask for relief, I didn’t ask “Why?” I just talked to Him. I explained how I felt and I finally felt that bitter resentment lift. And little by little as I read more of this talk, understanding came to me. Like the sun rising I gradually felt like Heavenly Father was telling me everything was going to be ok. That this was His will, and that I needed to accept it as His.

As Elder Bednar quotes Elder Maxwell, I needed to remember that “Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter…” I had said on my mission “Thy will be done.” But I couldn’t accept it. For some reason I couldn’t grasp the thought of me going home early as Heavenly Fathers will. But reading the words “Do you have the faith to not be healed?” I realized that not all the priesthood blessings in the world would work if I didn’t believe this first.

Fast forward to September, where the doctor reads me my 28-vials-worth-of-bloodwork and tells me I have Lyme Disease.  Lyme Disease is known as "The Great Imitator" because it imitates so many different kinds of diseases, and that is why it is so hard to diagnose. For example, if you would have asked me in July or August of 2014 why I got sent home, I would have told everyone it was because of depression. But the fact is that Lyme Disease imitates depression, or MDD. It can also imitate Fibromyalgia, MS, Bipolar, CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome), Alzheimer’s, and also arthritis. It can effect basically anything in the brain, joints, nervous system, heart and muscles. The bacteria infested my brain, caused depression, anxiety, mood swings, suicidal thoughts, insomnia and many other issues. It had infested my brain for 9 months before I could even begin antibiotic treatments. I was bit by a tick in December of 2012 without even knowing, and now I am on treatment that will last up to 2 years to get the bacteria all out of my system.

I felt a sense of relief when I was told I had Lyme Disease. At first I thought it was because it meant that the depression really wasn’t me, like I felt all along. But as I think more about it, I feel like the relief was from Heavenly Father, because I accepted the diagnosis, and I understood I was being blessed with the capacity to “not shrink.”

As I battle this Disease I keep in mind Elder Bednar’s question, “Do I have the faith to not be healed?” As I do this my prayers have change from, “Please heal me.” To, “Please increase my faith and stamina so I can bear this Disease today. Or I’ll ask for strength. And I always end my pray that I may be open and understanding to my Heavenly Fathers will.

https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/ces-devotionals/2013/01/that-we-might-not-shrink-d-c-19-18?lang=eng

6 lies early return missionaries tell themselves

These are things that I have told myself so I know they are real. These are pertaining to missionaries who were honorably released before their 18 or 24 months were up. If you feel like there are more, feel free to add them.

1) I don't get the same blessings of full service return missionaries.

This is something I didn't know I felt until I was sitting a couple weeks ago with my Stake President explaining my situation, and he said that I should not feel like I do not get the blessings that full time missionaries get upon returning. He said that if these were my thoughts, to stop because it's not true. I was released honorably and therefore am entitled to be blessed as if I came home like any other sister that served 18 months. The relief I felt form his statement was so satisfying. I didn't realize I felt that way. And to hear someone say that was very uplifting.

2) I can't do hard things.

This is something that I said probably everyday after my mission for a long time. Our mission motto in South Carolina was "I love tough things!" I said that all the time. And we were reminded that our missions were one of the hardest things we would ever do, and I couldn't do it. That's what I said. I had failed. But in reality I was doing something even harder. I was leaving the mission to come home, to get better. It is even harder to do. And therefore I was still doing hard things, and whether I realized it or not, I was making it.

3) I could have done more to stay out.

This is a thought that still comes to my mind a lot. I still think this. I wonder if I would have been more open with my companion, and mission president if I could have stayed. I think of every possible angle. If I would have just prayed and fasted more. If I would have trusted Heavenly Father more He would have let me stay. I think this is a trap that everyone falls in that has come home early. What I needed to realize and accept is that this was God's Will. Neal A Maxwell once said "Faith in God includes faith in His timing as well." Coming to grips with the idea that this was all in God's plan for me was impossible for me to accept at one point in the early months being home. I didn't want to think that was an option. But we can't think this way, it is a lie and a torturous one at that. I have spent so many nights thinking about how I could have stayed out. It doesn't help the healing. Yes, of course it hurts, but I had to accept that it was God's Will for me.

4) I have let God down.

Now this is a serious lie I said countless times as well! What I felt like was that I had sinned by coming home early and by so doing I had let God down. I was wrong to think this way. I was honorably released and sent home for health reasons, I had not violated and commandments or covenants that I had made with God. Yet I felt what I thought was guilt. When really I was feeling shame, and it took me a while to know what the difference of those 2 emotions are. I thought I was feeling guilty for letting God down. When really I was just ashamed to be home early. And again I was not accepting of God's Will.

5) I can't go on with my life now

This is a lie I used as an excuse for a while. Missionaries who finish their full service have a hard time getting back into "real life", but try being home early from the mission. Now, part of it was the Lyme Disease, but I did not want to think about my life moving on because I was so upset over being home early. it was an excuse I used to mope and try and figure a way I could have stayed out longer. 

6) People will judge me from now on

I remember feeling shame when in my new ward people would ask about me and I would say I just got back from my mission. Whether they knew it was an early release or not I felt like they already knew and they were already judging me. What actually was happening is I was judging myself, and then thinking everyone else was judging me the same way. If they do know and judge, it's not my problem. I have had to come to realize that I did my best and once again, it was God's Will. And I have found that most people are not judging. after all, you are you're own worst critique.

I have to remember that these lies are not from God, they are from Satan "the father of all lies" who wants "all men that they may be miserable like unto himself." If Satan can get me to think that I was an awful missionary for coming home, that God is ashamed of me for letting Him down. If he can get me to think these long enough, or any of us, then we could lose hope in the gospel and fall away. It is one of Satan's cunning ways. We can't give the devil any place to "destroy [our] peace or afflict [our] soul." And it has taken me a long time to figure that out.

-The Lyme Warrior

Sick or not sick? That is the question.

Somebody asked me this week how I still act and look normal even though I am actually really sick... Now I have thought about this, at the time I didn't know what to say, I just signed and said that I didn't know. But as I think about it, I have a couple theories as to why I try and look as normal as possible.

Theory #1 

The bacteria is in my brain. This is a fact. And as such it has not only given me early Alzheimer's symptoms and depression. But sometimes I wonder if the bacteria has also given me the multiple personalities... How do I act normal? Well it's because I have 2 people up there in my brain! And the sick one is over crowded by the one trying to be real. Now this theory would be more accurate of I named the crummy personality from the happy personality, but I don't like this theory so I won't go on this one and have it become real. Actually this one is probably the dumbest theory of them all, ah well, get rid of the worst first.

Theory #2

My pride. Ya see I don't want people to know I'm suffering from depression. So instead of being down about it and letting the world know (I guess I'm kinda eating my words here by posting this on a blog!!), I just put on that happy face and go with it. I'll send a couple of funny snap chats to friends and if all they see is someone who seems happy, then good for them! Yeah I might be feeling really bad inside. Majority of the time I'm probably really down about something. But do I tell them? No! I am not one to burden people. Even on the mission I had the hardest time towards the end because I felt like a giant burden to my mission president, and to my companion. I can't stand feeling that way. That is why I feel like this might be a possible reason I don't look so sick, because my pride is bigger than my sickness.

Theory #3

I still have a strong belief of "fake it till you make it!" I had it on the mission, and even though I know I don't always "make it", I just can't quit. This was probably my last survival skill I used on the mission. I started being what I loathed the most, and it was a fake missionary. I don't like being fake, but for some reason deep inside me I am everyday, maybe because it is to protect my pride like in Theory #2, either way this is a possible reason as to why I won't walk around like a zombie everyday.

Theory #4

This theory ties in with #3. You see sometimes I wonder, because I can fake it, I have become quite the thespian! Haha I'm not bragging, I'm just saying that I can take it as a sort of compliment when someone says "well you don't look sick." I can look at it as a critique, my acting skills must have gone up another level! Now I'm not saying I can go be in the next marvel movie, but I am saying that Kristen Stewart better watch out! Hahahaha jokes!! This theory is also another probably not true, but it does give me a laugh.

Theory #5

I am a firm believer in the saying "misery loves company" and I don't want to be the miserable girl making everyone else miserable along the way. That is NOT what I am about. I'm the one who makes people laugh when they are down. I don't get down and bring people with me. That isn't me!! And I felt like on the mission I started to do that towards the end. I guess you could say I was in pretty bad shape towards the end because everything just seemed to hit rock bottom. And now that I can look back and see the things I did because I was so sick, I now know my limits. I can tell when I am getting to that miserable "rock bottom" spot and I can either remove myself from society for a little bit and take a nap, or lock myself in my room or whatever is needed at the time. I don't like making people miserable with my own misery. 

Sometimes I feel like people think like Calvin's mom, but lately I've been thinking like Calvin.

All this being said, it is a good thing when someone tells me I don't look sick, or that they never would have guessed I was so sick... Or whatever. It's good because whichever theory you want to use, it's working, I'm not bringing people down, I'm not burdening others with my problems, I'm excelling in acting, whatever it is, I'm accomplishing it. Some days more than others.

I realize that it is also a little bit of a bad thing. It's bad because day after day I wear myself out extra. I fake being one person when really I am hurting inside, mentally, physically and emotionally. And then I end up getting into these big deep pondering moments where I ask myself who am I really? Am I this happy girl? Then I say "heck no! She's so fake!!" And then I say, well I guess it means I'm this tumultuous messed up crazy thing then. And I don't want to be that either.

All in all, I feel like if you take all these theories and squashed them together I'm either sick or fake. Miserable or Schizophrenic. I either have a future in acting or a deeply wounded pride. I can't seem to find that in between. All I know is that I wake up each morning and all the negative things that I say to myself about not being able to make it, or that I can't I push them out and get ready to face each day with whatever comes my way.

-The Lyme Warrior

"What is Lyme Disease like/What is the worst part?"

Sometimes you don't have the words to explain what you are feeling. I feel like most people with chronic illnesses and/or depression find that to be true. I feel like because of this they feel extra distant from society. Not only does society not understand, but those with depression, for example, can't explain how crummy they feel besides "I feel really down today, I don't think I can go running." To society that sounds like an excuse. "You're down? Well get up! Let's go." And that's how I saw it too. But not being able to explain how you really feel to make someone understand is enough to drive you into an even deeper depression than before. 

As human beings we are always trying to express how we feel. Some more louder than others, and some in how they talk, or dress. Some in how they do their hair or whatever, it's how they feel. For me it's sweats, glasses, a Nike Tshirt, ponytail, and no make up, everyday? Yup, Lyme Disease! That's me!

So I'm gonna attempt to try and explain what it's like. And you'll find a lot I'll say "that's the worst part" and that's because at times that one thing is really "the worst part". And another day something else might be "the hardest part." It's just a roll of the dice, day to day, hour by hour. So here is my feeble attempt to try and explain and enlighten y'all about my experience so far.

What is the hardest part?

-sometimes it's exhaustion and that is usually what I explain lyme as. When asked what lyme does to me, I'll usually say I'm always tired. But that doesn't even touch it! I can't explain how crippling constant exhaustion and fatigue are. I don't have the words.

-sometimes I feel like an old lady. There is nothing that can get me to run up and down the court. I couldn't do it to save my life. Not because of pain but because I literally can't do it. I physically cannot get myself to run or move the way I should be able to. And part of that is lack of motivation and depression. The problem is when you realize that, it just sends you into deeper depression knowing that you can't do something that should be simple. It's a vicious circle. And it's not just with basketball. It's everyday stuff, like working with kids. I used to dance with them. Play way more games, bench press kids, tell stories. I can't find the energy or the will to make up stories or do any of that other stuff.

-going out with friends and eating something and thinking to yourself, "I'm going to regret this in the morning." Eating a milkshake (or nearly anything sugary of any kind) and knowing because of that deliciousness you are shoving down your gullet you are going to have a really crappy day tomorrow. But you are out with your friends. You haven't hung out with anyone in weeks! So you indulge. And the next day you can't move, the walls are spinning, you ache and the day is just bad. All from a stupid milkshake. And it's not just that, a bowl of ice cream, candy, chocolate! 2 days after Christmas of not caring and eating whatever I want had me super sick! It was the pits!

-The depression. I want to just pound that thing in the face. It is a crippling handicap. Lacking motivation to see people. To talk to people. To be yourself! It changes you. I don't have words to describe this either, and that is also one of the most frustrating parts, I can't explain how I'm feeling a lot of the time. Depressed doesn't cut it, and it just sounds like an excuse coming from my mouth, so I rarely use it or acknowledge it, when I explain how I am feeling. Besides most people don't understand it anyways.

-sometimes, (and this is still part of depression) the worst part is Feeling like you just need to cry... All the time! Wanting to hide! Feeling like you are in a giant pit and each time you try to climb out you inexplicably get deeper and deeper. That's my best analogy. It makes no sense, just like depression.

-Anxiety. Being glued to your bed in the morning because of either being too exhausted and/or having anxiety about the day ahead. Being so anxious that you are just going to sob. Your heart picks up and you breath super fast. And you can't control anything with in your body. Sometimes you shake. And you just feel completely overwhelmed and out of control. Then when it is over you are left exhausted. If you fight the anxiety for control you are even more exhausted. If you let it take over you cry for 2 hours and are exhausted! It's a lose lose.

-Sometimes I eat nothing. Sometimes I eat everything! There is no medium. I can't be satisfied. Either I am starving. Or food sounds disgusting.

- I have said this before but it's not so much a bad day or good day. It's a bad hour or a good hour.

-Going to church is one of the hardest things I'll do during the week, and I hate that. Church shouldn't be hard! You shouldn't go to church and on the way there be thinking of ways you could be invisible and not see people. I hate that! Because I know it's depression! And I know it's not me. So I fight it. Because that part is NOT gonna win!

-Sometimes the hardest part is waking up at 730 am to take 12 pills and then 830 to take another pill that can't be taken with the other 12. And then remembering to take your other pill at 1pm and then take your next pill at 830pm and then 9 and a half at 10! Sometimes it's the biggest chore to have to do. I think all the time, "freak lets just skip out on all this today" I don't because I know that's stupid. And I learned from the mission you don't skip your meds! But some days taking all of them and lugging around your back pack with all your meds in there all day is the hardest part. I feel like my day is ran by alarms on my phone to take my medication.

-Sometimes the hardest part is seeing people's lives go on, and seeing how you still have a year to a year and a half of recovery and treatment. And it's so hard to not compair yourself to all your friends that are getting closer and closer to graduating, and you are over there like "hey, I have only completed 1 semester yippee!"

-Sometimes the hardest part is going to bed because you know that alarm is going off way to early.

-Sometimes it's getting up after your alarm has gone off 3 times. And you have never used a snooze button in your life. You have prided yourself in not snoozing ever. And now you crave to push it one more time, and you find yourself most days of the week jumping out of bed because your mom is calling you up to scriptures and you know you are going to be running late, again.

-Sometimes having lyme I wish that it would give me green bumps on my arms, or a green tongue. Or something on the outside of my body so people can see that how crappy I'm feeling on the inside is on the outside as well. I'll tell someone I'm sick and they will say "really? You don't look sick." And I'll want to point out the bags under my eyes, but even those can be hidden under glasses or if you wear them for so long they just become natural. So I shrug. Sometimes I just wish I could have something on the outside so people could see how real it is. Even cat green eyes would be cool. But that's a plus probably and there isn't really any positives of being a lyme patient. Just all you can eat prescriptions.

I can probably come up with a bunch more of "the worst things" about Lyme disease. But these seem to cover my basic thought process over how I have felt about the disease. And I still fell like I haven't done justice in explaining it, and again, that's because there aren't very many words that can describe how I'm feeling all the time. But these are a few.


-The Lyme Warrior

Asthma and Lyme

This is a post that I wrote about a month ago, around the beginning of December. I didn't post it because I started reflecting a bunch more on my mission and how I should have been coming home around that time, so I didn't post this. But I think it's an interesting point of view to look at. How my Lyme Disease got to my lungs a little bit. And where I am not hacking up a lung constantly anymore. I do notice that when I play basketball and actually do start to work up a sweat I do have frequent Asthma attacks now, so here is this post, better late than never right? 

So if you read this blog, you are obviously familiar with the fact that I have Lyme Disease, but what many don't know is I also have another disease, not as serious as Lyme, but has been a part of my life since I was about 4 years old. It is called Reactive Airway Disease...it is also known as Asthma. They are used interchangeably basically with Reactive Airway Disease you have a trigger that makes you have an asthma attack. My trigger is when I get a cold, or sickness of some sort my airways constrict and I get a nasty wheezing cough along with my sickness.

It has been easy for me to live with Asthma, I was able to get it under control from age 8 to age 13 by doing swim team in the summer, it opened up my lungs and I felt great. I always had flareups during winter and basketball season, but I could easily get a handle on it and keep my asthma in check.
On my mission the humidity was good for my lungs, I never had an attack, I had an inhaler close by but never had any use for it. Coming home and earlier this year getting diagnosed with Lyme I had that fear in the back of my mind of my asthma kicking in because I am so sick. It hasn't happened until this past month it finally hit.

Reactive Airway Disease and Lyme Disease have clashed together in my body this past week. Not only do I have flu like symptoms, and a fever and an early onset Alzhimers brain infested with spirochete (the Lyme bacteria), but now my lungs are reacting to the sickness and I am struggling to breath.

There are some I good things that have come with this, I have been all but forced to take desperate measures that I wouldn't have done otherwise... I have gotten a gym pass. No not to work out, I wish I could but I have absolutely no energy to work out. No, I got the pass so I can detox and sweat it all out in a sauna.

I have also tightened up on eating better. Having green smoothies for breakfast, all but cutting sugar out, and just all around trying every possible way to feel better. I may have to even go gluten free, and gosh darn it, I'll do just about anything now to feel better. I got to the point where I finally said "I can't handle both diseases!" I told myself that I can handle lungs being inflamed, OR I can handle an infested brain. But both is just killing me. And now that I have a portion of it under control and can breath a little bit better, I just know I don't want to get so run down by Lyme, that I can't breath and my asthma flares up again. Because it's just too much!

That is how I was feeling those couple weeks in December, I felt like I couldn't handle both. I was very overwhelmed. Things from the asthma aspect have obviously calmed down since then and I don't feel super run down, but for a little bit there I was very overwhelmed.