Saturday, June 13, 2015

FEAR




I wrote this post a while ago, found it in my drafts, and thought I'd share it!



Sometimes people get scared. And I used to think that people were most dangerous when they were angry, and upset. I used to think that when people got hurt it was usually because someone was angry. But now I think fear is more dangerous. It controls you more. It's not as easy to change fear, as it is to change anger. I don't think anger lasts long in most people, they eventually calm down. But fear can last a really long time. I also think that people are more likely to admit they are angry before they will admit they are scared. Because fear is a weakness. And most people aren't as likely to show weakness and admit that they have it.

I've known a lot about fear over these many months. Being sick does that to you. Being detached from everyone else gives you fear.

There are lots of fears in the world. Fear of tight spaces, fear of dying, fear of spiders just to name a few. I think it's silly that I used to be afraid of clowns, and cockroaches, and flying. Those seem so pointless now that my fears go much deeper than getting on an airplane. And squishing a bug.

I think a lot of people have a fear of not understanding. Whether they realize it's a fear or not is a different story. But people generally fear and avoid things they don't understand. I know all about that fear too. But I got passed it. I'm not sure how, but after I started getting sick and I didn't understand what was going on I felt panicked all the time. I was afraid of what was going to happen next. Afraid of what my next symptom would be. When my next break down would happen. Who I would hurt next... But I eventually came to the point where I can now say "what will come will come". 

Now my fear is bigger than not understanding what is going on. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of letting myself give up on the meds, and give into the disease. I have been talking 16+ pills morning and night with a few in-between during the day for almost a whole year now. And to think that I still have probably another year of this is very frightening.

My fear now is my increasing desire to just want to throw in the towel. To give in. Of course I don't feel that way all the time. I will have good days, but when the bad days come (and come they do), it is so tempting to just give in. Fighting is so exhausting. And I can't remember what it is like to not be tired. To not be worn out. To wake up with a  refreshing sleep. And this obviously isn't ending anytime soon and that is what is frustrating.


I am afraid of the day when I give in and decide to give up. I don't want it to come. But I don't know how much strength I have left.... I know fear is the opposite of faith, but like I said, we all fear.


-The Lyme Warrior