Sunday, December 13, 2015

The Powers of a Lyme Warrior

So here's a confession: I'm a bit of a nerd... I thought I was getting sick of all the super hero movies, but then I got hooked on a show on the CW called "Arrow" and then of course you can't watch "Arrow" and not watch "The Flash" because of course they have to interconnect the shows to get me even more hooked! But yes I am a nerd. I accepted it it long before my diagnosis even before the tick bite. I'm a nerd. And being sick a lot gives me time to be a nerd. The End.

Well actually, it's not the end. Ya see I've tried to show how Lyme takes things from it's host, but also show that it is still possible to try and find the silver lining in life. I always want to try and find something good, even when Lyme is kicking my butt. Even when I feel all alone with my disease. Even when I've painted on that fake smile because I know people don't understand what I'm going through... I think everyone with Lyme does that.

With me trying to find the silver lining in life, finding the tiny miracles, the tender mercies in everything is sometimes hard, it's a challenge, and I don't mean to say I'm anywhere near level-expert at doing it. And because I'm not super good at it all the time, I use my imagination a lot. My constant go to day dream, is seeing everyone understand a little bit more what I'm going through, and I know that won't happen until the CDC accepts Lyme as a real disease and there starts to be real funding for Lyme Research. But  I've also been having other big imagination adventures.

We see all these super heros now days, whether it's Marvel or DC, or My Little Pony, or maybe Little Enstines, I don't know. But I've been watching all these super hero shows and movies and sometimes I wonder... How come they never get sick? Like what if Batman gets bit by a tick and ignores it for 2+ years, starts getting sick and finds out he has Lyme?  What would Batman do? 

I mean, most of these Super Heros are part human, at least... I mean, what if Captain America got bit before he had his muscle upgrade? And all this stress of saving the world is just now making the symptoms kick in?

Is it weird that I think this way? It's not so much like "What would The Flash do?" But it's more, how would they handle it? Would they use their powers/strengths/skills to help find a cure? Or would the CDC still say, "Ehh we think Spiderman is faking it, just like everyone else! Go get some psychiatric help ya freak!"

Anyways I've been thinking a lot on the super hero idea, and I realized that kids look up to those super heroes. It is so cool that they always come out not just the winner in their fight for truth, freedom, or whatever, but they get to beat down their opposition. Like literally beat down! And I think about how that is comfort to those kids that watch those shows, maybe more of a subconscious comfort, that they can feel like they can do anything, at least that is how I feel when I watch. But as I watch them, I think, man, Lex Luther just doesn't give up! He always comes back to ruin Superman's life.

And then I think about how Lyme Disease is like that to me. Like that annoying bad guy that keeps coming up with annoying ways to destroy me. And when I think about it that way, I realize that my powers aren't anything special at first, some new drugs prescribed by the doctor, 14 hour sleeping sessions, and 2 or 3 naps during the day. But I also think, how every time a new symptom appears its like I have to figure out mentally and emotionally (as well as physically) how to not only fight this new symptom off,  but how to stay strong until this one passes. And I realize with that thinking, subconsciously I gain more stamina and strength each time I fight off this new symptom. And sometimes the road is long to getting it taken care of.

A lot of the time it feels like Lyme is winning more than me. But I think I have realized that as I get put into this sucky situation, I may not save the world but I save myself, overtime I decide I don't want to give in, even though sometimes it sounds really nice. And that is when I realize any lyme warrior's super power is not giving up, and not giving in. Like I feel every super hero says at one point or another "I have't got a choice." Batman has to fight Joker. Nobody else can. I have to fight my Lyme, I don't have a choice, nobody else can. And giving up isn't an option there is no choice but to fight.

I don't really know where the rest of this is going, I just came up with this analogy off the top of my head to make sense of why I have been binge watching Arrow and The Flash on Netflix, and rematching all the marvel movies. And now I realize it's because I feel like I can relate in a much much much more smaller and menial way. And because, lets be honest, there is no such thing as an ugly actor picked to be a super hero am I right?

But in all seriousness, as I fight the fight that is going on inside me, I can see the strengths come, and also where my weaknesses are as well. The Lyme Warrior should be a name given to anyone fighting Lyme Disease because they are their own super hero. They are saving the most important thing they can, the only thing that is really truly theirs... Themselves. Any lyme warrior knows this deep down, or eventually figures it out. I'm just now figuring it out for myself.

-The Lyme Warrior