The Pit

Everyone is a closet poet in my opinion. A couple months ago I published a poem in an anthology on my college campus and I forgot I haven't shared it yet... So with much embarrassment I am sharing my poem that I wrote:

The Pit

     Distortion.
             Docile.
                      Dank.  
                             Dark.

I have fallen again into the pit.  
The dark pit. The deep dark pit. 
I scream inside. 
Nobody hears, nobody even tries.
Why don't they understand? 
Because nobody likes to see
loved ones' cry,
Because it is easier
to turn the blind eye.  

But while I'm blind 
to happiness, euphoria
and serendipity. 
They are blind to
my emptiness, 
my horror, my nothing...

      Nothing...
                Nothing...  

Feeling nothing is terrifying in the pit.
But feeling darkness is worse. 
Numbness is a pleasure
compared to the stabbing,
strenuous tears that rip my body
caused by the darkness. 
It starts in my chest. 
Darkness prefers the rib cage
because it can attack the heart.  

It builds and tears me apart
from the inside out. I scream inward. 
I've learned to scream inward
to save everyone else from myself.
I'm not a hero, 
I'm the victim with no hero. 

 I will subcome or struggle,
die or survive alone. 
What kind of darkness is this?
It is the darkness of anguish.  
The darkness of nothing...

      Nothing... 
              Nothing.... 

 At first the nothing is a relief. 
But then it is so numbing
it's painful. It stings and burns. 
I can't move. I can't fight. 
The darkness swirls around me
in the pit. I feel nothing.  

"The greater the struggle the greater the triumph."  
So they say. 
But the harder I struggle the deeper I fall.

  Down...
       Down...  
             Down...  

Into the crushing that is the abyss;
 Excruciating. Exhausting. Exquisite.
 How can I feel everything, 
 yet feel nothing?  

Crazy. I hear that word. But more so;
I feel that word. 
It slips like a knife 
between the rib cage 
of my already formed self doubts. 
Society holds the murder weapon, 
as I gush the blood 
that is the Crazy.  
I am that word.   

Attention Seeker. Over Dramatic. 
Ostentatious. Crazy. 
Each a reason for society
 to quietly slice me open.
And the thing is:
I let them because, 
I believe them.   

This pit of darkness. 
Of hopelessness. Of deep anguish. 
This pit of pain; 
yet pit of absolute nothingness; 
it can't be real. 
How can someone feel everything 
and nothing? 

 I've got to get over myself. 
Suck it up. 
Pull it together. 
Stop being weak. 
I'm acting crazy. 
Stop seeking attention. 
Stop being dramatic.    

I sink deeper. 
The harder I try to "stop" 
the deeper I fall.  

   Down...
         Down... 
                 Down....  

  Distortion. 
         Docile.  
              Dank. 
                       Dark...

 I am the pit. 


-The Lyme Warrior

Miracles

A few weeks ago I was challenged by my bishop to find blessings amidst the trials. I was feeling really frustrated with Lyme because I came home for 7 weeks of summer break to try and get better so I could make it more semesters in Idaho... But I felt like if anything my health had backslid.

So with the challenge to look at things on a brighter side I have had not only blessings but merciless and tender mercies this week and I want to share a few:

1) a nice lady who is in my parents neighborhood texted my mama and said her 2 boys (both have lyme) have discovered Ion air machines... The idea behind it is our cells are made up of negatively charged ions, and the air is full of more positively charged ions and it causes health problems when there is an imbalance including lack sleep, feeling tired, and groggy. It also helps with allergens in the air as well. So this lady said her sons got a ion machine and it has helped them detox and sleep better.

2) This week I went and saw a lady who is kinda like a nutritionist, and she helped me regulate my diet and figure out that I need to reset the Ph levels in my body, because my body isn't absorbing all the medications I have been taking. To hear from someone else that my meds haven't been working, and to have my suspicions of them not working confirmed was very reassuring, and now I am on a cleanse to help my body take in the meds I have been regularly taking.

These are all my medications/supplements I have taken in the past 2 years, I have saved every bottle and will one day, when this is all over, build a castle out of them all and live in it!

3) Today, Sept 4th, marks the 2 year anniversary of being diagnosed with Lyme. And today I am able to see the miracle of being diagnosed just 9 months after being infected, instead of the average 2+ years. Today I am looking back on all the miracles, not just this week, that have been able to help me keep going and keep fighting. Whether it's some recommending a new treatment that worked for them right when I needed it, or a new health discovery, or the help of healthy roommates to change my diet again. There always is something or someone that comes just when I feel like I am not gonna make it another day fighting this disease. And I know every single one of those miracles are from God.



-The Lyme Warrior