Tuesday, January 31, 2017

On the edge

I can feel it... It is like living on the edge, and for me, I feel even more on the edge...edgy...edged? I don't know how to explain it other than I feel like I'm 12 and my parents have woken me up and told me we are going to Harry Potter world. They have loaded up the car and a half hour into the drive they yell: "Just Kidding!" And turned around laughing the whole drive home.

I feel this way because I have set a resolution to be in remission by the end of this year. I have lots of mini-goals to help me get to that point at the end of the year. I want this so bad. I have felt since about October that there has been a turning point in fighting Lyme, in which I am coiming out on top most of the time now. This is a big change from just 6 or 7 months ago. I have modern and natual medicines both working on my side, I have more energy to work out and be fit again. I have a better focus on keeping my diet healthy and strict, and because of that, I have thrown out the window all my cheat days. I used to justify cheat days a couple times a month. I would be found saying "Diet starts Monday again..." on a Thursday! I have come to the realization that I am not going to beat this if I don't stick to everything I have learned over the past 3+ years.

However, I feel on edge for the reason of wanting this disease to be gone, and still dealing with set backs. Where the set backs are minor colmpared to a year ago, I find myself getting more frustrated, because I can feel myself so close to remission, but then I have a Lyme flare up and I feel dissappointment set in.

For example, this weekend I woke up not feeling well. I was struggling to focus, my brain fog was bad, and I had a lot of chronic pain in my body again. It persisted through Sunday, so I walked home from church early at the urge of my awesome roommate who was concerned for me. When got to my apartment I realized I had forgotten my key (thanks brain fog). However, my friend who lives 2 doors down always has her apartment open. So I texted her and asked if I could take a nap on her bed. I woke up about an hour and a half later with no recollection of where I was or how I had gotten in the bed I was in. I didn't remember walking home, being locked out and ending up in a random bed, I was disoriented and delirious, confused and scared. I still don't remember that, and what is even more concerning is I used to have episodes like this, but not for about two years!

I have been frustrated, concerned and stressed about it for the past two days. I keep telling myself I should be getting better, and I keep asking myself, why is this happening again? There is no answer to the question, expect for BECAUSE I HAVE LYME DISEASE. I need to remember that Lyme is so fickle, and remember that flare ups are good. I have been mega-herxing again (click here to read about herxhimer reactions), which I have to remind myself it is good. It means I am getting better. However, at the same time, I feel crappy. The pain, headache, and extreme fatigue is wearing on me.

I have to remember to keep an open mindset about it. I need to allow myself to be ok with feeling sick, because it means I'm getting better. Where I want more than anything to get into remission I have to remember that it is still going to be a process. It isn't a gradual strait line, it is a roller coast of healing, and where the roller coaster is traveling up, there are still ups and downs in that roller coaster. This is my challenge for the new year: be ok with my progress towards remission!

So for this, I am on the edge. I am almost to remission, or symptom free, but it's not there. It's just at a distance. It might sound silly but I can almost taste remission, and for that, I am edgy about being on edge.