Friday, November 21, 2014

"Everytime you find humor in a difficult situation, you win."

A brief post of my moods hosted by Spongebob Squarepants, Patrick Star, and Squidward (side note: this is not exaggerated, it is completely accurate).

1) Me when I forget something mid sentence:

2) Me, usually at the end of the day when I have exhausted my back ups to my back up emotional tanks, and the blanket of depression takes over the controls:

3) Me waking up Tuesday morning:

4) Me trying to remember why I walked into my brothers room with my hair straightener:

5) Me when I get handed a lot of papers to read and I try to follow along. If it's more than a paragraph I'm lost:

6) Me waking up Friday morning, telling myself "the weekend is coming!":

7) Me right before I blow my top (the flames are figurative, but they might as well be there because that is what is going on inside me):

8) Me having a panic attack:

9) Me Sunday night when I realize that I have to get up early Monday morning:

10) me Monday morning:

11) My face I am so annoyed by the tiniest thing and I just have to walk away or I will lose it:

12) Me trying to hold back anxiety but I can feel it building and building inside me:

13) Me having anxiety:

14) Me waking up every other day of the week (my bags have bags!):

Ok so this might seem silly but humor is one way of giving myself therapy. I guess laughter truly is the best medicine... Well one of the best. And since I can laugh about it in this moment I'll take advantage of it, because I never know, the next moment I could be rolled up in a ball wishing I was back in the mission so I don't have to see everyone coming home and feeling shame. Or another moment I could be staring off into space not remembering what I am doing or why I walked into the room. So I laugh when I can. Otherwise Lyme wins. And most of the days it does so when I get a jab at it I take advantage.

 I may not look like these characters on the outside all the time (though the bags and me waking up in the morning are scary accurate) but on the inside I feel this way. And it is a constant battle to keep the emotions and everything at bay. While putting on a normal face... It used to be a smile. But most days that is too hard. 

I'll talk about this later but I feel like it's too fake also. And I hate fake people, but fake is what I have to be these days. Because if I let how I feel on the inside come outside I would be chucked back into my cell in room 9 of the ER like I was on my mission. And people deserve to at least get a tame me. I might look tired, unhappy, or about to implode. But if I can achieve that LOOK while I'm FEELING something much worse, than I count that as a victory. And then I can move on.

-The Lyme Warrior