Sunday, January 25, 2015

Sick or not sick? That is the question.

Somebody asked me this week how I still act and look normal even though I am actually really sick... Now I have thought about this, at the time I didn't know what to say, I just signed and said that I didn't know. But as I think about it, I have a couple theories as to why I try and look as normal as possible.

Theory #1 
The bacteria is in my brain. This is a fact. And as such it has not only given me early Alzheimer's symptoms and depression. But sometimes I wonder if the bacteria has also given me the multiple personalities... How do I act normal? Well it's because I have 2 people up there in my brain! And the sick one is over crowded by the one trying to be real. Now this theory would be more accurate of I named the crummy personality from the happy personality, but I don't like this theory so I won't go on this one and have it become real. Actually this one is probably the dumbest theory of them all, ah well, get rid of the worst first.

Theory #2
My pride. Ya see I don't want people to know I'm suffering from depression. So instead of being down about it and letting the world know (I guess I'm kinda eating my words here by posting this on a blog!!), I just put on that happy face and go with it. I'll send a couple of funny snap chats to friends and if all they see is someone who seems happy, then good for them! Yeah I might be feeling really bad inside. Majority of the time I'm probably really down about something. But do I tell them? No! I am not one to burden people. Even on the mission I had the hardest time towards the end because I felt like a giant burden to my mission president, and to my companion. I can't stand feeling that way. That is why I feel like this might be a possible reason I don't look so sick, because my pride is bigger than my sickness.

Theory #3
I still have a strong belief of "fake it till you make it!" I had it on the mission, and even though I know I don't always "make it", I just can't quit. This was probably my last survival skill I used on the mission. I started being what I loathed the most, and it was a fake missionary. I don't like being fake, but for some reason deep inside me I am everyday, maybe because it is to protect my pride like in Theory #2, either way this is a possible reason as to why I won't walk around like a zombie everyday.

Theory #4
This theory ties in with #3. You see sometimes I wonder, because I can fake it, I have become quite the thespian! Haha I'm not bragging, I'm just saying that I can take it as a sort of compliment when someone says "well you don't look sick." I can look at it as a critique, my acting skills must have gone up another level! Now I'm not saying I can go be in the next marvel movie, but I am saying that Kristen Stewart better watch out! Hahahaha jokes!! This theory is also another probably not true, but it does give me a laugh.

Theory #5
I am a firm believer in the saying "misery loves company" and I don't want to be the miserable girl making everyone else miserable along the way. That is NOT what I am about. I'm the one who makes people laugh when they are down. I don't get down and bring people with me. That isn't me!! And I felt like on the mission I started to do that towards the end. I guess you could say I was in pretty bad shape towards the end because everything just seemed to hit rock bottom. And now that I can look back and see the things I did because I was so sick, I now know my limits. I can tell when I am getting to that miserable "rock bottom" spot and I can either remove myself from society for a little bit and take a nap, or lock myself in my room or whatever is needed at the time. I don't like making people miserable with my own misery. 
Sometimes I feel like people think like Calvin's mom, but lately I've been thinking like Calvin.
All this being said, it is a good thing when someone tells me I don't look sick, or that they never would have guessed I was so sick... Or whatever. It's good because whichever theory you want to use, it's working, I'm not bringing people down, I'm not burdening others with my problems, I'm excelling in acting, whatever it is, I'm accomplishing it. Some days more than others.

I realize that it is also a little bit of a bad thing. It's bad because day after day I wear myself out extra. I fake being one person when really I am hurting inside, mentally, physically and emotionally. And then I end up getting into these big deep pondering moments where I ask myself who am I really? Am I this happy girl? Then I say "heck no! She's so fake!!" And then I say, well I guess it means I'm this tumultuous messed up crazy thing then. And I don't want to be that either.

All in all, I feel like if you take all these theories and squashed them together I'm either sick or fake. Miserable or Schizophrenic. I either have a future in acting or a deeply wounded pride. I can't seem to find that in between. All I know is that I wake up each morning and all the negative things that I say to myself about not being able to make it, or that I can't I push them out and get ready to face each day with whatever comes my way.

-The Lyme Warrior