Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Post ER (part 1)

So I left off with me coming home from the ER on May 19th 2014. I'm sorry it was a bit of a cliff hanger, this one will be as well, I'm sorry. Retelling it is good, but it is also very hard, it gives me anxiety, so I'm trying to finish the rest as best as I can!

I left off with me being exhausted... I was worn out and scared for President Holm's phone call that night. I didn't want him to send me home. And this was the first time I actually talked about how I felt about going home. I told her how I couldn't go home. I explained that I would for sure hurt myself if I went home. I just knew that I would get even worse if I went home. She told me that she would do everything she could to help me stay out. I knew she would.

President pretty much just told me that I would be meeting face to face with my LDS counselor from now on. He said I wasn't going home, but he made me promise him again that I wouldn't hurt myself... He would make me promise that multiple times over the next few weeks and I was a little frustrated because for me it was easy to promise! Of course I didn't want to hurt myself. But the fact he kept making me promise him made me feel like he didn't trust me, and I hated that about myself.

My mission president then talked to my companion. He explained that if I was to hurt myself in anyway she was to call him immediately. He told both of us that if I hurt myself I would have to go home. He said that was church policy. I understood, and I told him I would be alright because I was back on a lower dose of medicine. He said he loved both of us, told us to keep working hard and said goodbye.

Sister Eames and I started to work out a system, because we weren't the greatest cooks, we ate lots of cereal with fresh strawberries in it. She wanted to help with my thoughts so she would insist on cutting my strawberries. I didn't like letting her do it. I really needed to humble myself, and I'm pretty sure Sister Eames thought the same thing. But I would let her. I knew it was because every time I picked up a knife it scared her because she knew I had those thoughts. Even though my medication was lowered I still had those thoughts. There was a reason they had hired it in the first place, because the lower dose wasn't working. They lowered it hoping to make the thoughts stop but they didn't...


... I am afraid of going manic! I am afraid that these bad mood swings (angry and punching the car, to crying, to obnoxious snorting all for little or no reasons) are signs of me becoming manic. I know a little bit about manic depression, I know that it is really bad... Sister Eames has wondered if I have it too... I CANNOT finish my mission successfully going about the way I have these last couple of days. I can't! But I know I can't go home either. That is out of the question! But I gotta get better! I keep telling myself that I need to just snap out of it, or suck it up or something! But I can't. And the harder I try I feel like the worse I get. Basically I'm scared, tired, sad and I hate myself. I am being the crappiest missionary and companion.

I am not one to get mad, and I'm tired of it. I get mad over the silly things and in the moment it's like it's the end of the world, and the worst I blow up at Sister Eames because I can't really yell at anyone else. So with in 30 seconds of me yelling I start bawling because I feel so bad and it just makes me feel so bad and hate myself even more.... I'm tired of this vicious circle. I talk to my counselor tomorrow on the phone and then I will meet her at the church in 2 days, hopefully she can help...


Happy freakin' birthday to Sister Eames, we are just 11 days apart and it just makes us that much closer to eachother and makes me love her that much more! But pretty much I am pretty sure this was the worst birthday of her life... I ruined it... I know I did. I got mad at May [one of our investigators]. She fed us Sister Eames Birthday dinner, and I held a knife super tight at dinner shaking for about 5 minutes while May talked. I didn't notice how long I had been holding it, I just know the thoughts to hurt myself had never been so bad! Usually they come while I'm at the cottage, not so much while we are out working, but it was so strong! And I wanted to give in so bad. I was arguing with myself. My self hatred and loathing, and depression were clouding out my argument of not wanting to go home! I was scared. I believed that I want to stay out more than I want to go home, but at May's I wasn't sure... Sister Eames was horrified, and couldn't do anything because she didn't want to draw May's attention to me... 

My counselor says that I am either bipolar, manic or a little of both right now... We have exchanges tomorrow and I have to stay in Hartsville because I have to meet my counselor face to face at the church, Sister Eames doesn't want to leave me, she suggested that we could call off the exchange with our Sister Training Leaders next week, But I don't want to do that! I refuse to call them off. I know that tough things will make me grow, and that I just have to keep the faith...


The mood swings are something awful! I'm scaring Sister Eames, we both don't know when I'm going to explode or break down crying... And I'm always tired, I'm so exhausted. I have been having night terrors, sometimes I don't remember them, but I wake up in a sweat and I am usually screaming when I wake up. I keep Sister Eames up too. I dream a lot about Room 9 now, I relive it in my dreams almost every night now... I'm so tired. The only time I feel the spirit now is if we are out working or in a lesson. Other then that I feel nothing. I feel gross all the time...


After I met and explained how the medicine still isn't working to my counselor, she informed Sister Holm. Sister Holm called me and gave me a number to a new doctor she wants me to go see in columbia, her name is Dr. Zepsel. Apparently she has treated a bunch of missionaries with depression before... I don't want to go. I am trying to have faith here, but I am scared of going to doctors now. I keep dreaming of them locking me down in Room 9. Then after I hung up with Sister Holm I lost control again. Sister Holm told me to be happy, I said bye and was so mad I punched my wall. I'm so tired of people saying "be happy." Because I can't! I physically, mentally and spiritually cannot be happy. It takes every ounce of my will power just to function now, and I can hardly do that most days. 

So when I get an email or a letter from my parents, telling me to "be happy." Or questioning whether or not I am being obedient, and suggesting if I was more obedient I could love the work and be more happy... When I get those suggestions, I know they are trying to help. I know they don't understand... But I hate that I wish those were the reasons I felt this way! If tightening up on the handbook would make me more happy, I would do it in a heart beat! I just wish they could understand, but then again I don't because the only way someone can truly understand is if they feel like me... And I don't want anyone to feel this way ever. I'm just so tired of trying so hard and feeling like I fail. But I can't quit, It's not an option for me to do.


...I was stressing about having my last interview with President, since he is going home in a few weeks. I was afraid he was going to send me home... But he was (as always), very kind, courteous, gentle and full of so much love towards me! He made me promise again  that I wouldn't hurt myself, and warned me again that if I did I would have to go home.


We are on exchanges! I was so so so so nervous to have Sister Eames leave! She made me swear I wouldn't skip out on my meds, and she left sticky notes on my Pajamas and on my pillow to remind me to take my  medicine... I wanted to be annoyed, but the thoughts were so bad, and I was missing her so much that I just cried silently that night... Luckily my Sister Training Leader is a super deep sleeper. But I feel like I held it together pretty well during the whole exchange... but now I'm exhausted!!!


... Last night I threw up. Last night I freaked out... I didn't do it, but I wanted to, and I was alone for a few minutes and the kitchen knife was there. I didn't do it though. I only know that I want this stress, and frustration and emotional pain to stop. It hurts. And for some reason I feel like if I cut it will make it hurt somewhere that I am able to handle better. It will take away from my emotional and mental pain that is inside... But I refused! Part of me didn't want to tell Sister Eames but as soon as she was out of the bathroom and we were going to bed I told her. She told me to call the counselor. I feel bad because I started yelling at her that if I called they would send me home. She said they wouldn't because I didn't cut. I said she didn't really know if that was true or not. I yelled them. She begged me to call... She won. I called... 

The counselor told me I had to hold on until my appointment June 12th. She said if I was in any other mission they would have sent me home by now. She said that this Doctor was my last chance. She said I couldn't cut because I had to give this Doctor a chance. What she said about being sent home really hit me. I thanked Heavenly Father that I was still out here and promised Him that I would try harder and harder to be a better missionary, and I pleaded for His help. Then I drifted up into a restless night terror...


The thoughts are getting worse... I didn't think it was possible, but now the thoughts are a reality in my dreams when I sleep.... They scare me. I'm afraid to sleep, but I am so tired. Fast Sunday was today and it was the first time that I fasted for myself... It was hard, I had to do some serious humbling, but I have got to make it thorough these next 2 weeks to June 12th...


Last night I felt like I needed to ask Sister Eames what was wrong... She didn't answer, but I knew she was awake. a few minutes later I asked again, I tried to calm myself down, but I was getting a little angry. I decided to drop it before I pushed myself too far and rolled over to sleep... Well, I woke up still frustrated. We didn't really say much to each other all morning, which NEVER happens... Then at lunch I was cutting some strawberries on my own. I was shaking because of what I wanted to do with the knife, but I was determined to do it on my own, whatever was bugging Sister Eames, I didn't want to burden her with having me cut my food for me. Well Sister Eames was mad when she saw me shaking with the knife... She grabbed her Diet Cranberry Juice from the fridge and slammed the fridge door shut. I felt the flood gates starting to over flow so I went and sat down to eat my cereal so i wouldn't start having a break down. I'm crying and eating, and not looking at Sister Eames, as she walks into the room and chucks her Juice across the floor! It scared me so bad! I wanted to yell at her so bad, but I saw her face and she was super ticked... I didn't know how to react. So then she sits down and says,


"When are you going to let me help you Sister Williams?!"... I didn't know what to say, I felt dead inside. I felt awful. I finished my cereal, and even though it was P-Day and I had a bunch of letters to write I went to take a nap... A few minutes later Sister Eames came in and I knew she wanted to talk. But I was an idiot. I knew if I was the first to open my mouth it would be all wrong. I would get upset, or she would get upset which would just make me more upset... She didn't say anything, so I fell asleep... I woke up to Sister Eames telling me it was 10 after 5... I had slept 4 hours and we had a lesson in 45 minutes! The whole way to the lesson we didn't say a word... After the lesson Sister Eames and I finally decided to talk. She voiced that last night and today were the first times she had felt completely alone out here. I cried... I explained that I didn't want to be a burden to her, I didn't want to make her cut my food. She said she wanted to help me and make it easier on me... I just feel so awful about today. I told her I was so sorry...


... Yesterday was a bad day... And my frustration over the bad day carried over to bed time, plus I was extra upset because my dad wrote me a really long letter and parts of it talked about me needing to give my problems to the lord and moving past the depression. I was frustrated and angry and I let loose on Sister Eames. She finally opened up more and said she still feels totally alone. She said whenever I get mad she feels like I'm blaming her.... This is where I made a selfish mistake. I took it as she was complaining about feeling alone for the past two days as nothing compared to me feeling alone and misunderstood for the past 6 months! I feel so bad I wasn't more empathetic toward her... But I just got more and more mad. I finally was so mad that I started doing the only thing I could, I blamed myself. She wouldn't feel so alone if she was with a normal companion that could function. 

So I got up and told her I was going to eat something to take my medicine... As I was sitting alone in the kitchen fuming over myself and eating some string cheese (it was 11:30pm), I started thinking of how I can't stay here, and I can't go home... I started to feel darker and darker, and more and more hopeless, I started to open the knife drawer... Then Sister Eames came stomping in and slammed the kitchen door shut and told me to go to bed! I took my meds, shaking from what had just happened and went back to bed even more fired up then before! I finally cooled down after yelling at Sister Eames a little more, saying that she didn't understand, and all this junk. And then of course I started bawling. I had scared Sister Eames and myself really bad, if she hadn't felt the need to get up and check on me... I don't want to think what would have happened... I feel so awful!


Today we went to go see a Less Active. She had seen me and Sister Eames as we were walking into the ER on that really bad day. She asked what we were doing, and since I was sick of lying and I knew we were pretty close with this Less Active I told her I am depressed. She told me about her depression, she told me about cutting herself, and in desperation I asked her if it really helped, I wanted to know if it really worked... She said it would for a little bit, so that's why she had to keep cutting... I feel so bad because right then and there I decided I was going to cut as soon as we got home. I couldn't stand these feelings anymore, I wanted to be released from this awful pit. My mind was made up, Sister Eames had hid all the knives but I still had my razor in the shower...

Well, later that night I knew Heavenly Father was looking out for me, I know he knew my thoughts. We went to a member dinner and asked her for a ride down to columbia on June 12th for my Dr appointment. She asked why and I told her I have depression symptoms. And she started going into her story of how she had depression, and she came out on top of it! I was shocked!! This woman was so awesome, and she had had depression. She told me to not give up, and to not give in to any thoughts. I knew that God was looking out for me and that was a huge tender mercy! I just have to make it a few more days... So I came home tonight and gave Sister Eames my razor. I know I'm going to make it now!


I didn't think the thoughts could get worse but they are! My mood swings as well as my dreams are just awful! I can't write what went down today but I just gotta make it these last couple days!


I don't know what to say... I don't know what has gone on... I have no motivation to even write letters anymore. I am so exhausted form fighting.


Things are bad! May canceled her baptism, I don't know what to do! I'm so down! I need help, I'm in a deep dark pit right now and I can't make anymore effort to climb out!...

(To be continued...)

-The Lyme Warrior